Under Paris (MA 15+, 104 minutes)
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4 stars
Forget rising E. Coli levels in the Seine, organisers of the triathlon events at the Paris Olympics have much bigger things to worry about - sharks!
That's the premise of Under Paris, a rollicking thriller from director Xavier Gens (Lupin, Gangs of London, Hitman) that might well swim straight to the "best shark movies of all time" podium.
Jaws will always take gold in that race, silver maybe goes to The Shallows, but in a strong field that also contains Sharknado, The Reef, Open Water and The Meg, Under Paris is a strong contender for a medal.
It's a solid story, there are killer set pieces (literally), the cast is going along for the ride and Paris has never looked more inviting.
That is, unless you're in the water.
Which is where it starts. Researcher Sophia (Berenice Bejo) and her team are studying sharks in the Great Pacific Garbage Patch, a 1.6 million square kilometre area in the north Pacific Ocean that's estimated to contain up to 129,000 tonnes of garbage. (It's four to six times bigger than France, she says, and yes, there's a strong environmental message to Under Paris.)
In particular they've been studying Lilith, a female shark who seems to have grown in size rather rapidly since they last saw her.
Things go terribly awry and three years later Sophia's working in an aquarium back in Paris when she's approached by a young environmentalist who reckons she's tracked Lilith down.
It appears Lilith has followed Sophia back to the city of lights and is nesting right under the Ile de la Cite in the heart of Paris.
But how can a shark live in the freshwater Seine, you might ask? While bull sharks can thrive in both fresh and saltwater, it appears Lilith, a mako, has mutated so she can escape the polluted oceans.
She's also breeding via parthenogenesis (without the need for a male, there's been evidence of that too), popping out other mutated little female sharks at a fast pace. (One of the best things about a good shark movie is the accumulation of interesting facts.)
But back to the triathlon. In a nod to the mayor of Amity Island, the mayor of Paris also refuses to believe there's any problem. We've already spent $1.7 billion! The triathlon must go ahead!
So it's up to Sophia, who's joined forces with a small yet enterprising team of police from the river brigade to lure Lilith away.
Between here and the finish line, there are more twists and turns than you'll find on a triathlon cycling leg, plenty of people get eaten and Sophia and the head policeman, Adil (played by Nassim Lyes, who probably needs to ask his boss for a uniform that's a better fit around his bulging biceps) do their very best to save not only Lilith but the people of Paris.
There's an ending that will blow you away, in more ways than one. (Another fact to accumulate, did you know more than 150 World War II shells were found on the bottom of the Seine in a small area in the 13th arrondissement in 2022?) Even the closing credits will get you thinking about how all the world's major cities are built on rivers. Where to next?
Not that I have anything against triathletes - it's a cult, you know - but there's a scene where hundreds of sharks are trying to make their way back up the Seine into the oncoming pack of swimmers that's scary enough to make you rethink ever donning a wetsuit and competing.
The Paris Olympics kick off on July 26. Add this film to your viewing schedule and be glad you're on your couch.